Earlier this week, I released a podcast called We Need a Tribe. I talked about how we need community and we can't do it alone. We need various types of friendships from acquaintances to close friends we can share intimate details with. When I was going through a divorce many years ago, I surrounded myself with a handful of strong women who could uplift me and support me. I walked away from multiple superficial friendships and acquaintances because I knew they would hold me back from my healing.
As well, when I went through my last divorce, I had built relationships in my personal and work life. They insisted that if I felt unsafe at any time the day I asked my husband to leave, that I could stay with them. Since I built those relationships before I entered a crisis, I had a support system in place when I needed them the most. My ex-husband did not build friendships because he chose to watch TV and get drunk on a regular basis. That resulted in him not having a place to go when we separated.
Having a tribe is about having a support system in times of trouble but also enriching our day to day life. We need to invest in those friendships on a regular basis. When I was living part-time in a city an hour away, I still reached out to my closest friend to continue to foster that relationship. I didn't want to neglect my female friendships like I did two years before during a different relationship.
As I'm contemplating my own healing today after a recent breakup, I am realizing I am standing on the precipice of another major pruning of the tree. This breakup broke something in me but I think it was a necessary break. I've spent the majority of the past month alone in deep reflection and mourning. I've been dating differently this year and have learned a lot. This most recent relationship taught me a great deal and gave me more clarity about what I do want in a relationship.
I'm starting to realize that some of the friendships and acquaintances that once felt good and comfortable are no longer serving me. I have frequent authentic conversations in my networking circles and the richness of the topics have been healing and feeding my soul. I've started yearning to have those same level conversations in my personal life but some of the people I know aren't in that place. This doesn't mean I'm better than them. It simply means it's time for me to move on and release them with love.
On the day I ended my last relationship, he asked me if I could accept him for who he is. I was willing to accept him with his flaws but I also needed him to be willing to work on bettering himself as an individual and as a partner. There are some things that I can live with and some things that are deal breakers. The truth is my leaving the relationship was demonstrating that I do accept him for who he is. I recognized that we weren't on the same page on what we wanted a relationship to look like and that my needs weren't being met. In spite of my deep love for him, I could see that he wasn't capable of showing up in the way I needed him to. I chose to release him with love and move on. We can't change people, we can only encourage them to be better. If they choose to stay where they are, we may need to make a choice to leave them behind.
I'll admit I'm excited and fearful for what 2025 will bring. I know that in order to move forward, I'm going to have to release some things and people in my life that will hold me back. I went to a blues summit last night and had a wonderful time dancing and destressing, but later in the evening I started to feel emotionally drained. I realized it was because of behaviors I was witnessing. Bars are breeding grounds for desperation and unhealthy behaviors. The authentic conversations I longed for were few and far between.
It hit me hard that I'm going to have to let go of some things in the present to become who I want to be in the future. If I want better, I have to be better. Now that I've seen a different perspective, I can't unsee it. I prefer not to be in bars and want to seek community in different places where my growth will be supported. As I continue to mourn the relationship I had to walk away from, I am starting to mourn the friendships I know that I will have to let go of in the near future. Sometimes good people are just not good for you. I accept they are where they are and release them with love. I hope they join me on this journey someday but they may not.
We become like the five people we spend the most time with. I invite you to look at your relationships and friendships. Was is it that you need and do you have it? If not, how can you create it? Can you join a book club, a spiritual discussion group, or take a class at a local college? If you do have meaningful relationships, how can you continue to invest in them? What we choose to water will grow. Do you want a garden of weeds or healthy plants?
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