In the most recent podcast, I talked about victim blaming. This is when someone close to you or a therapist/counselor blames you for your decisions in regards to other people's actions or blames you for speaking out against an abuser.
Within your family or friends, this could be someone who admonishes you for staying in an abusive relationship or getting frustrated because you won't just get over it. In a counseling situation, it could be a counselor who does not have lived experience with narcissistic abuse and does not express empathy or tells you what to do.
It's important to show yourself compassion after an abusive situation or relationship. You made the best decision you could at the time with the person that you were. You may make a different decision now but it's okay to accept what you did in the past. Often, women get involved with abusive men because they have a deep childhood wound that is still driving their behavior. In my case, I had an abusive father so since I didn't have a healthy relationship with my father, I sought out abusive or emotionally unavailable men because that was what I knew. Even though my comfort zone was maladaptive, my nervous system gravitated toward it because it was felt familiar. As well, I believed the message that was sent to me in childhood that I was inferior and didn't deserve to be loved in a healthy way.
Another form of victim blaming is to blame the victim for speaking out about the abuse instead of putting the blame on the perpetrator. This shifts the accountability onto the person who was victimized instead of where it belongs which is the abuser. I have been speaking out about the abusive home that I grew up in that included mental, physical and sexual abuse. There are family members who do not want to hear the truth and don't want others to hear the truth. Instead of blaming my father and mother for their abusive behavior towards me, I am being blamed for the "terrible" things I'm saying. The truth isn't always pretty but it doesn't change the fact that it is the truth. This further traumatizes the victim. Victims who share vulnerable and painful past experiences need support and validation. They need to know that the abuser will be held accountable, not them.
Unfortunately, there is a lot of ignorance in the mental health community when it comes to narcissistic abuse. I have seen therapists who did not have the lived experience and only book knowledge. Unfortunately, their ignorance is also further traumatizing their clients. Narcissistic abuse is a form of brainwashing and the abusers often use the same tactics that cults do to control their victims. What therapists need to understand is that the abuse often is covert and gradually escalates over time. Like a frog being slowly boiled in water, the victim does not even know they are being abused and losing their sense of self. In order to heal, the victim's brain and nervous system needs to be deprogrammed. As well, they are often hoovered and stalked after the relationship ends which adds to the trauma. I urge counselors without lived experience to either educate themselves better on how narcissistic abuse works or refer those patients out to another counselor who does have lived experience with that type of abuse.
If you are victim blamed, I'm so sorry. You are not alone. Many of use have been. It's either done out of ignorance or denial but regardless of the reason, it is extremely damaging to the person on the receiving end. I would strongly urge you to continue to tell your truth. Don't let other people's opinions or victim blaming stop you. You have a right to speak your truth. You have a right to hold your abuser accountable. You do not deserve to take the blame when you did nothing wrong.
I urge you to seek support from others who have had similar experiences and really understand what you've been through whether that be in a support group or a counselor/therapist. If we don't speak out, we hinder our own healing. As well, the abuser will likely continue to abuse someone else in the same way you were. Stand in your truth and your power.
Comments