When I last left you on this blog, I was hopeful for a peaceful holiday season with a new partner. The relationship I was in took a very unexpected turn just before Thanksgiving. It's heartbreaking when we love someone dearly and see what an amazing person they are, but they don't see it in themselves. No matter what label they fall under, when someone is controlled by their fears and don't love themselves enough to face those false narratives, it sabotages what could have been a healthy relationship.
This breakup has deeply affected me. I was in love with this man and hoped to spend the rest of my life with him. In the beginning, I did see many positive qualities that aligned with what I was looking for in a future husband. Unfortunately, in the last few days of that relationship, I started to feel emotionally unsafe. I came to realize that the triggers and anxiety I was experiencing weren't all from my past experiences. Some of those triggers were being caused by my current experiences. In a relationship, I need consistent communication as well as words and actions that match. Promises were being broken and there was a lack of accountability and desire to work on the root of why that was happening.
I'm not looking for perfect. I'm looking for consistency and accountability. I'm looking for someone who wants more out of life and not just be willing to settle for the bare minimum. I started to realize that the dynamics of that relationship went against everything that I stand for and have worked so hard for in my personal growth. I gave him an ultimatum that in order for me to continue, he would need to seek therapy. I very much wanted to stay and was willing to support him through the personal work that needed to be done. Unfortunately, he chose not to do that. I had to honor the boundary that I had set so I immediately ended the relationship. It was unbelievably hard to do that. My mind knew it was the right decision but my heart was screaming to just settle and don't walk away. I was madly in love with him and didn't want it to end. The bottom line was that I loved him, but I loved myself more. This relationship was going to hinder my own personal growth and I had worked too hard to let that happen. I once said to him that I was expensive and I wasn't going to lower my price. Since he couldn't afford me, I had to cut my losses and leave.
I've done a ton of self reflection over the past few weeks and have learned so much about myself. I've been somewhat of a recluse which is extremely rare for me. I normally crave in-person interaction and spend a lot of time hanging out with my friends listening to live music. My hurt was so immense that I felt the need to be alone most of the time and have done very little socializing outside of my business activities. This is out of character but I've recognized it's what I've needed to heal.
Here is what I've learned from this experience. I deserve everything that I want in a relationship. I can express my needs and what my monkey mind is saying. I am no longer willing to give men second chances when a relationship has ended. It's okay to hurt and be sad, but it's not okay to allow those emotions to drive my behavior and decisions. I am not too much. I am not perfect and I need someone who is willing to accept me for who I am but also support me and encourage me as I grow and improve. I need to be with someone who also prioritizes self improvement and is willing to be accountable for his behavior. I go big or go home and I need someone who also has big dreams and aspirations. Those don't necessarily need to be the same goals as mine, but he should have goals of his own that excite him. I need consistent and authentic communication. I need promises kept and words and actions to match. In addition, I am feeling a disconnect with some of the friendships in my life and the places that I frequent. I prefer to spend less time in the bars and more time doing other activities in environments with a higher vibration.
Every failed relationship is an opportunity to learn and grow. The gifts of this breakup have been more clarity about what a healthy relationship looks like to me. Additional clarity into what kind of friendships I want. It has shifted the direction of my business. In the past, I was looking for women who have experienced trauma and narcissistic abuse. I am honing in my focus and now want to specifically work with women who are unhappy in their relationships. I have been dating differently this year and have learned so much. My relationships have been getting shorter because I'm looking for something very specific. I'm willing to walk away if the relationship doesn't meet my standards. I am single again which means I have more time to be hyper-focused on my personal and professional goals. I would rather be alone than compromise my standards. When I do start dating again, I am more informed on what red flags to look for to determine if he is emotionally unavailable or avoidant. I am enough.
I spent Thanksgiving with a friend but I've decided to spend Christmas alone. I have options to be with friends on this day but I would like a quiet day of self care. I'll bake some cookies and read a book while drinking hot chocolate. I don't have a fireplace but I'll have a virtual fire on the TV to set the mood. Being alone during the holiday is a choice. My holiday will still be peaceful just not in the way I imagined. I will be okay and my heart will heal.
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