Trauma Response

This past week has been extremely stressful and I had a few meltdowns - all were related to a trauma response. As someone with C-PTSD, I get triggered frequently. It's been 10 years since I ended my relationship with my narcissistic abuser and I've come a long way but I still have a long way to go. The reality is that narcissists brainwash us just like cult leaders do. This rewires our brain and until we find the faulty wiring and reprogram our brains, trauma responses will continue to happen.

I was renewing my lease and the property manager forgot to remove my exes' car from when he lived with me. It was a simple clerical error but it deeply upset me. I am trying to erase him from my life - I've removed all pictures from my phone and social media, blocked him and deleted his contact information, and refuse to interact with him when we run into each other. Seeing this triggered the pain that he caused when I realized our time together wasn't love but just a game - a way to get something from me without giving in return.

The next night I went to an event that he sometimes attends. Last month he was there and hoovered me. I refused to acknowledge him or give him supply. If a normal person received that strong of a rejection, they would back off and move on but narcissists refuse to believe we don't want them anymore. I can't stand the person that he really is; in fact, I'm repulsed by him now. I was on edge until I was certain he wasn't showing up this time. I refuse to hide in my house - I live in this town too and have a right to be out in the community. It just sucks that when I go out, particularly to certain places he frequents, I have to worry about being harassed. The trauma response was strong.

Finally, earlier in the week, I saw another guy that I have liked for almost two years, even before I met my narc. It always seems that the timing is off for us and quite frankly both times we started moving towards getting to know each other, the narc moved in and pushed him out. The second time, I know that his feelings were hurt so a few weeks ago I apologized to him. I still like him but have mixed feelings and was on the fence about us. I hurt his feelings and wasn't sure if he would even consider giving me another chance. It appears he may be dating someone right now - a lovely woman who I have met. She's beautiful and seems to have a really nice personality. I was completely taken by surprise when I felt jealous when I saw them together. I had very strong emotions and realized how much I still like this guy and would like an opportunity to find out if things would work between us. We have been circling around each other for quite some time and I would like to find out once and for all if there is something between us that will be healthy. I couldn't understand why I reacted so strongly when I'm not in love with this guy and just have a huge crush on him. While talking with a friend about it last night, she nailed it on the head - she said that was a trauma response. She is absolutely right. Narcissists use triangulation and cheating to play on our emotions so we feel very territorial in those relationships. Deep down we know we are being played. While this other guy isn't playing me, he's simply getting to know another woman, it poked that old insecurity from previous relationships.

While I'm still sad that I may have lost my chance with this man, I'm feeling better about it because I now understand the intensity of my reaction. As well, I see it as progress in a weird way - I cried over a man and it wasn't my ex. Now that I can see the connection to my past relationships, I can start exploring this dysfunctional way of thinking. I want to be a healthy partner in a relationship. I'll always be affected by my trauma, but I can learn ways to work through it so that my behavior is coming from a healthy way of thinking.