I have a sister that I no longer speak to. After years of riding the roller coaster of drama and toxic behavior, I decided to get off the ride. I gave her several chances. Each time, things would go well for a short time but suddenly the fangs would come out and she'd attack me verbally. Sometimes her accusations were about things that never happened. In order to guard my own peace, I had to walk away from that relationship. We had been estranged multiple times, but 10 years ago, I decided I was no longer willing to give her any more chances. The bridge was burned.
The rift began a few years before when a situation occurred with my two nieces and it became apparent that my brother's daughter was being abused in her mother's home. I decided to report the situation to Child Protective Services. My sister was angry and told me it was none of my business. I felt I had an obligation to protect my young niece from further abuse. I'm sure that the incident that I reported made some feel ashamed but I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, especially when a young girl is at risk.
I was once a very angry person... way too aggressive and my sister was the same. As I started to change and work on being assertive instead of aggressive, my sister and I were worlds apart. She has remained that angry person with a divide and conquer attitude. Not only did she verbally attack me directly but she went to numerous family members and attempted to turn them against me. Some have, some haven't. Unfortunately, this affected my relationship with my brother. It's only been in the last two years that I felt comfortable reaching out to him. I'm happy to say that we have been rebuilding our relationship which is really important to me. I admire him for many reasons. The hateful things he said to me 10 years ago when I was going through a very painful divorce were driven by his alignment with my sister. I have hope for my relationship with my brother, but I have forever closed the door on my sister. I don't believe she's capable of change and even if she proves me wrong and does get her act together, the trust has been broken too many times. I no longer have any more space for her in my life.
I have a boundary that I will not interact with my sister for any reason. Unfortunately, she has ignored this boundary many times. Her lack of respect for my position only validates my reasons for my decision. This sometimes makes family gatherings strained or difficult to plan. If I do ever attend a family gathering where she is there, I will simply not engage. If she tried to approach me, I would simply walk away. Unfortunately, she doesn't have the same discipline. She feels entitled to play the victim and make a scene even if it's an important event like a wedding. Her need to be validated and liked by others overrides her sense of obligation to act with dignity.
My sister has not been invited to some important family events because of her explosive and dramatic outbursts. Unfortunately, I feel that some family members unfairly blame me for the behavior of others. Instead of recognizing that I have a right to not engage with a toxic person, their stance is that I should just get over it, she is your sister after all, blah, blah, blah. This is a form of victim blaming. My sister has acted badly but I get blamed for refusing to tolerate that behavior. To those who don't want to face the truth, they always have to demonize those who stand by it.
The years of toxicity and her attempt to turn other family members against me has left their mark. She gave up any rights to be allowed back in my life when she did those things. If an ex-husband was repeatedly abusive but gets himself together years after the divorce, society doesn't hold it against you for not taking him back. Why is there an expectation for family members that you should not permanently walk away? I don't believe in free passes for family members. Blood is not thicker than water, as the saying goes. A toxic person is a toxic person - their relationship to you is completely irrelevant. I have preferred to make the majority of my "family" those who are not related to me. Since I've removed my sister from my life, it has significantly decreased the drama. My peace has come with a price - I had to pull away from her daughter, my absolute favorite niece. She is handicapped and cannot live on her own which means she's dependent on my sister. My sister has even tried to use her daughter as a way to manipulate her way back into my life, which is why I had stop communicating with her. This breaks my heart.
I don't hate my sister, I just can't allow her to be part of my life. I do wish her well and hope that someday, she gets the mental health support that she needs and works on herself. I hope she heals the inner child that is deeply hurting. If she does, she will understand why I will never let her back in my life. She'll no longer need to seek validation from others and will find it within herself.
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