As I navigate a new relationship, I find myself getting triggered frequently. It's still new but so far I feel safe and that this is something healthy. I have never had a healthy romantic relationship before so this is uncharted waters. It has brought up some very different challenges for me. It's terrifying because relationships with narcissists also feel good in the beginning. There is one difference this time. So far, I have not had any red flags or a feeling that something is off. I may find out later I'm wrong but for the moment, I'm trying to balance my need to be discerning with the ability to be vulnerable and let this person in.
I am really starting to see how deep the brainwashing goes from my narcissistic abuse. I didn't realize how much I've been trained by others to walk on eggshells, be invalidated, hide our relationship since he was seeing other women and expect frequent broken promises. At every turn, I'm expecting the other shoe to drop and a deal breaker to show up. An example is the simple promise of calling at a certain time and following through. Each time my boyfriend says he'll call me when he gets home from work or before he goes to bed, my anxiety shoots up about 30 minutes before the expected time of the call. My mind starts running and saying that he's not going to call and that he's going to blow me off. I'll be faced with the pain of not hearing from him and having to walk away or calling him first so I don't have to deal with the rejection. As these ruminating thoughts run rampant, the phone rings and its him. The relief that flows through me is immense.
I'm also used to men not wanting pictures of us together posted on social media since they are connected with others in their supply chain on these platforms. Essentially being ashamed to be associated with me. My ex husband once convinced me that I shouldn't include him in my profile picture because it was my social media account, not his. I naively bought into his reasoning even though we were married and there should not have been any hesitation about this.
In the past, I was told how to dress, style my hair, talk and act. Any deviance from his directives meant punishment and silent treatment. I would be told that if I didn't comply with his requests, he wouldn't be attracted to me.... but he wasn't telling me what to do. There was no room for me to be myself.
I was also triangulated with other people or situations in their lives whether it be a daughter, mother, ex-wife, lover on the side, a job, etc. I always came second. I was never a priority in their lives. There was always an excuse as to why I would not receive reciprocity in the relationship when it came to mutual respect and loyalty.
I really didn't realize how hypervigilant I'd become until now since the current relationship has not demonstrated any of these dynamics or behaviors. I keep thinking that this is too good to be true. I'm afraid to totally relax into it because it could be another case of love bombing and not genuine love and affection. It's so sad that I've had to be so vigilant but I have had a knack for attracting narcissists in the past.
Time and consistent behavior will be the two things that unravel my fears and allow me to 100% trust this person. These two things are definitely my friend because narcissists can't keep up their charade for long. They eventually crack the mask a little bit and their true self seeps through. In contrast, a genuinely healthy person will remain the same because they are acting with authenticity. In order to find the love that I seek, I have to be willing to be vulnerable. I may get hurt or I may just find that this isn't too good to be true. It may be the very thing I've worked so hard for and deserve.
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