One of the assignments in the coaching course I'm taking is to make a timeline of my life, noting significant events when I felt safe and not safe. I broke the timeline into three time periods that held significance to me - birth to 18, 18-35 and 35-55. I marked the safe events in green, the unsafe events in red and any events that were neutral in blue. I also noted my attachment style, significant places and family dynamics. Some of the things I was already aware of but another pattern emerged that surprised me.
From birth to 18, I saw very little green events and mostly red. A common theme during that time was frequent instability, stress from my parents fighting and a feeling of not being enough or loved. The only thing consistent in my life was the daily abuse I experienced. I lived with a father who I believe was manic depressive and a mother who neglected me and was in denial about how abusive my father was. She refused to protect me. It was during this time that I learned there was only one person I could depend on... me.
The time period from 18-35 is what took me by surprise. My daughter was born and grew up during most of that time. The pattern that emerged was what I will call static. There was a lot of stability -- I was "living the American dream" - kid, car, husband, house, stable employment - but not much joy. I saw a pattern of just existing. While stability can be good, not living life to the fullest can be bad. I was married to someone who was not a risk taker and was not interested in self improvement. This stifled my gypsy mentality and desire to take risks. It stunted my personal growth. I felt bored, unfulfilled and neglected. It was these emotions that attracted me to the first narcissist. During the initial love bombing stage, he was attentive, took risks and was exciting.
Ages 35-55 is where things really shifted. A mix of red and green but way more red. There were so many traumatic events during this time period, there wasn't enough room to note them on the poster board so I just marked it as narcissistic abuse with arrows spanning the time period. This pattern was kicked off by meeting my first narcissist. I feel like I've been lost ever since. While this time period has been a huge wakeup call and a long journey of realizing how the trauma in my life has affected my decisions and relationships, it has been a hard lesson. In the past 20 years, I have moved a lot and switched jobs frequently. I have only been with five men since age 16 and four of them have been in the last 20 years. The last two within the last two years and both were narcissists.
When I went to Colorado for Thanksgiving last year, I came to the realization that I have been running from something ever since I left Colorado 10 years ago. I left against my will for my own safety since I was being stalked by an ex-husband. At that time, it was the best decision but the time has come to go back in spite of the risk that my ex might discover I've returned. I've been deeply unsettled ever since my departure. I've learned a lot in that time and my healing from narcissistic abuse has also been part of that journey. Maybe I needed to leave to experience the healing that I did - meeting lots of people along the way that have been part of the journey as well. I can see that I lost my power by leaving. Colorado is where I belong and it brings me such joy - the people, the scenery and the culture all resonate with me. Visiting there in November was like coming home at last.
I also came to the realization that the only relationships I feel I have a secure attachment with are my pets and my daughter. All of my other relationships, specifically romantic ones, have come from a place of anxious attachment style. I've been working a great deal on getting to know myself better and validate myself so that I don't seek validation in others. I've also been much more aware of my behavior patterns. I tend to get caught up in the moment, particularly with men, so I've been evaluating my interactions after the fact to see how I feel about them. This has been helpful to pinpoint where I go wrong. I have come to the realization that it is possible to have safety and stability without compromising my wanderlust and zest for life.
My goal for my timeline going forward is to have more green events. I am working on feeling safe with myself and others. Stressful events and trauma are sometimes unavoidable but I am working towards minimizing the ones that I have control over. This means surrounding myself with others who also want to grow personally, only date men who meet the criteria that I have set (no exceptions) and be okay with being by myself. The loneliness is suffocating at times but being comfortable with the uncomfortable is the only way to grow. The legacy I want to leave behind is that it's not what happens to you but what you do with it. Are you going to use trauma as a catalyst to grow and help others or are you going to marinate in victimhood and pull down others in the process?
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