I recently started doing yoga and meditation again. Not only is it good for the body, it's just as good for the mind. Since then, I have been having more clarity about what I do and don't want in a relationship. I have been able to clearly verbalize my needs and struggles in a more succinct manner to my partner. In the past when I'd get triggered, I'd get upset and have a major anxiety attack which usually resulted in an argument. Now, I'm sharing details as to why I'm feeling uncomfortable. I am getting to the root of my fears and anxiety.
I am also finishing up a book on shame and it was really eye opening. I realized that my lifelong perfectionism has been a cover up for the shame I feel. I feel out of control so I try to control my environment to create the illusion of control. It turns out when someone feels shame and they don't deal with it, they take out their shame on others. This often becomes a generational thing when the parents try to pass off their shame to their children in the form of control, manipulation and abuse. The symptoms of shame show up as low self esteem, co-dependency, or abusive behavior. My family shame history is a paternal grandfather who was an alcoholic and verbally and physically abusive as well as a paternal grandmother who was angry and controlling. My father demonstrated his passed on shame as verbal, physical and sexual abuse. My maternal grandmother was cold and unloving. My mother acted out her generational shame by being neglectful. She didn't protect me from my abusive father and would give me the silent treatment when I didn't do exactly what she wanted. I passed on my shame by yelling a lot as a parent and being a perfectionist. The book also talks about how family secrets destroy lives. As painful as they are, the secrets must be revealed for the shame to heal.
We can try to run away from our shame but it follows us wherever we go. It torments us and spills over onto others. In order to break that cycle, we must first figure out what is causing the shame. When my partner doesn't return a text quickly, there are a couple of deep-seeded fears. First, I was lied to and cheated on by an ex who ignored my attempts at contacting him because he was with other women. When I realized that he had been cheating on me the entire relationship, the shame was overwhelming. Second, it's been a challenge to have consistent communication with my current partner but he has promised to be better at both communicating and checking messages. If he doesn't respond, I become afraid that he lied about his intentions to check messages more frequently and only told me that to placate me since he knows that lying is a deal breaker. The constant lies and manipulation I experienced from past partners has left a deep scar and I have difficulty with trust.
The ability to figure out both what I am feeling and why ignites the spark of truth which leads to healing. I need to be able to identify what is causing the anxiety and shame so I can work through it. I have always spoken my mind but now I'm seeing more clearly what is driving my feelings and motivations. I am making more decisions to protect my peace. My goal is to turn this spark of truth into a warm fire of love and trust.
Comentários