I am taking a course to become a somatic trauma informed coach. I am now three months into this course and I can already see a dramatic shift in my thinking and how I perceive things. The course is designed to invoke inner reflection and healing within myself while learning how to help others through their trauma. My healing journey began in 2013 but in the past few months, I've felt an acceleration of the process. This has come with some powerful aha moments and really intense anxiety and discomfort. So much is bubbling up for me and forcing myself to face it has been difficult.
I was already aware of some of my dysfunctional parts but what I am learning is that these parts were coping mechanisms in my past that protected me from further harm - physical or mental - but now as an adult are no longer serving me. In fact, they are holding me back from making healthy connections with others.
I am viewing my role in other people's lives differently as well. I made a lot of mistakes as a mother. I did some very shameful things. I put a relationship with a man above my daughter. I carried on the tradition of the generational trauma that has been passed down. My course required me to map out all of the trauma over my lifetime as well as note the generational trauma, going back two generations. It became clear to me how the trauma I caused in my daughter had been passed on to me from my parents who were reacting to their own traumatic experiences. My father did some really shitty things that have deeply scarred me. I can have understanding as to why he did it without condoning it or excusing it.
As my understanding of this generational trauma hits home, it has given me the opportunity to be more authentic and be willing to talk about my role in my daughter's trauma. It has opened the door for a stronger bond. I no longer want to contribute to the internal false narratives that run in her head. This means I'm going to have to be willing to hear some hard truths about myself and how my bad decisions negatively impacted her. I have to be willing to take ownership - I also was acting out my pain but that does not excuse the hurt that I caused. My daughter is my greatest gift and I owe it to her to heal those wounds. As she prepares to become a new mother in the fall, the timing couldn't be better to break the pattern of generational trauma our family has experienced.
While this process has been intensely uncomfortable, the result is that I am making better choices in my relationships and strengthening the bond with my daughter. It makes all of the difficulties I've experienced worth it.
Having had no children of my own, I can only imagine how hard it would be for a parent to admit that they had made a mistake(s) in raising their child, especially one of any consequence. I applaud your honesty and appreciate that you can have compassion for your father's bad acts while knowing that you are not condoning or excusing them. Your courage to see all sides of a situation and have empathy for others, including yourself, is a critical ability that narcissists lack ... and perpetuates their distorted thinking and misconduct.