One of the unfortunate side effects of C-PTSD is rumination and anxiety attacks. When someone has repeatedly experienced inconsistent communication patterns, unfaithful partners and devaluing/discarding, it creates a negative reaction in the nervous system known as the sympathetic mode or response.
In the past, when I've been in a relationship with someone who was not dependable or gaslighting me, my fight or flight response would kick in. Here is a real life example with a narcissistic ex who would deliberately ignore my texts and phone calls. He would frequently drive an hour away to see his mom. My requests of a quick text to let me know he made it safe were met with resistance and statements that I was trying to control him. In addition to not being consistent with telling me he made it to his destination, he would go silent for hours even after promising to contact me within a certain timeframe. This would poke the bear of anxiety within me.
First, I would go into worry mode thinking he may have hit a deer on the mountain or some other accident. Then I proceeded into frantic mode since it was a pattern of behavior I'd seen many times before. I'd become enraged and think how dare he ignore me. How can he say he cares about me when he can't send a simple text to let me know he's okay? If he simply forgot, why can't he respond letting me know that? Why the radio silence for long periods of time? This would progress into full-blown panic mode. I'd pace the floor, lay down on the floor crying, my heart would race, and I couldn't concentrate. Then, I'd play right into his game. I'd start blowing up his phone because my anxiety had reached an unbearable level. When he finally responded, it would be with put downs and diminishing statements. There was no accountability for not keeping his promise. He would make excuses that he forgot or accidentally left his phone in his car. He refused to check voicemail messages. I understand people have commitments at jobs and other areas of their life but this went beyond that. Even when I expressed concern that his refusal to check messages meant I couldn't depend on him being available if I had an emergency, I was accused of being too demanding and controlling.
Any attempts to have a productive conversation or have my feelings and fears validated were rejected. All of the blame was placed on me and how dysfunctional I was. This is a form of reactive abuse. This is when someone does something on purpose to trigger or upset you, lets the situation escalate to a point where you react, sometimes in an inappropriate manner, and instead of talking through how to avoid those triggers in the future, they blame you for your reaction without taking any accountability for their part in it.
It's been difficult to navigate the dating scene because I have encountered a lot of men who are emotionally immature, gaslighters or narcissists. After years of experiencing this, the reaction becomes automatic and any time someone appears to dismiss or ghost me, the anxiety shows up immediately even if the other person isn't gaslighting me. I have difficulty re-regulating even when a pattern of consistent communication has been demonstrated. If I choose to give into my anxiety and blow up their phone, whether they are a narcissist or not, this is the worst thing I can do. If they are a narcissist and they are devaluing or discarding me, I have just played into their game. If they are a healthy person, I have just scared them off because I'm acting in an insecure manner and give the appearance of being crazy even though I'm not.
The challenge when meeting someone new is determining whether their intentions are sincere or manipulative. Narcissists are very good at pretending they are something they are not for a while. In these circumstances, time is your best friend because the narcissist will eventually show their cards and the mask will drop, even if it's a little bit. This shows up as an unexplainable twinge in your stomach that something is off, inconsistent behavior, overdoing it with affection, declarations of love right out of the gate, and fast tracking the relationship.
I recently started dating someone new and so far things have been going very well and I have observed consistency and authenticity. In spite of this, my guard is still up because love bombing and sincere interest can look the same in the beginning. The other night, I was hanging out with my girlfriends listening to music and dancing. I got distracted dancing and didn't respond to a message right away. When I did, I didn't hear back for a longer period of time than usual. When I got home, I texted that I was home safe but still no response. The old sensations of anxiety started to creep in. Earlier in the evening, I sent him a link to a podcast I had recorded where I talked about how I now make decisions on whether or not I continue to date men based on how they make me feel instead of how I feel about them. I started to worry that my words in that episode had a negative effect on him and the devalue phase had begun. I tried to reason with myself that maybe he fell asleep on the couch watching TV but my anxiety brain was taking over. I tried to distract myself with a bowl of ice cream (cold helps regulate the nervous system) and a show on TV. I told myself I was not going to reach out again no matter how bad I wanted to. If he was devaluing me, it was better to know now early in the game even though it was going to hurt. As well, if he is a healthy person, I didn't want to scare him off with numerous messages.
It ended up being a win for me. It was the first time I had not given in to my anxiety even though I was very disregulated. I didn't pace the floor or cry. I didn't blow up his phone. I just forced myself to sit in the discomfort and see what happened. It turned out he had fallen asleep and reached out before I went to bed. The relief was immense because I was both happy to hear from him and realized I had done the right thing by taking a step back. I had handled it better than I ever had before. I made a decision to stop ruminating and not let my emotions control my reactions. I chose to do the best I could re-regulating and waiting it out. While it's early and there are still no guarantees with this person, I was proud of myself for finally jumping over a hurdle of anxiety. Hopefully it will get easier and if trust is built between us over time, these ruminating thoughts will go away completely.
If we want to get different results, we have to choose different behaviors. In the past, I preferred to be in denial. I didn't want to face up to the pain of rejection. I preferred to ignore the red flags and the truth that this person needed to be left behind because they would never respect me. It's still hard to face that I may have to say goodbye to someone even if it breaks my heart. I have to work on my anxiety and fears and not give in to my insecurities. I have to believe that I'm strong enough to handle the lesson that this person was sent to teach me. In situations where I am dealing with a toxic person, it is better to end it early then waste time coming to the same conclusion later on. I have to let their behavior, not their words, speak for themselves. I have to choose to regulate instead of ruminate.
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