I have been controlled by my fears for the past two days. It has reached a consuming level and I woke up this morning knowing that I need to hold space for this fear instead of trying to make it go away. After making the decision to write about it, I saw a quote on my personal Facebook page which validated that decision. It said, "Accepting the emotion you're feeling gives the power back to you. To avoid is to amplify, and to acknowledge is to release." In order to take my power back, I have to acknowledge what I'm feeling and why. Only then can I move through it.
The month of April brought a lot of big changes and major decisions in my life. I decided to quit my job and focus on my business. This was major since I'm not in a financial position to not have immediate income and businesses take time to grow. The fear of failure is huge. I've told everyone that I'm doing this and what if it doesn't work out and I deplete my savings in the process? I am very driven and disciplined so I know I will do what it takes in spite of the fear but the initial leap has got me terrified. This leap of faith has given me the freedom of being in control of my time. Everything I do is by choice not an obligation to an employer.
The other major change is I started dating someone. After a lot of self reflection, gleaning advice from books and a decision to do things differently, I put myself out there. When I signed up for a dating app, my plan was to just try out these new skills without any expectation of meeting anyone that would resonate with me. Well, I have met someone that I resonate with. I've been working hard on holding back on giving my heart away too soon and taking it slow. This is completely out of my comfort zone. My anxious attachment style is being challenged right now because I'm in a very vulnerable place and it's quite uncomfortable. At times, the fear is so strong I feel I cannot breathe.
In order to take the power away from this fear, I need to explore where it's coming from. There are definitely some core childhood wounds surfacing - fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and fear of being taken advantage of again. I was emotionally abandoned by my mother in many aspects. She didn't protect me from my abusive father and she gave me the silent treatment for days when I didn't do what she wanted. My comfort zone has always been to seek out emotionally unavailable men since I didn't have a good relationship with either one of my parents.
As well, the trauma from my past narcissistic relationships is surfacing. The fear of being love bombed and discarded again is strong. Quality time is one of my love languages and my most recent ex used that as a weapon against me. He was stingy with his time and acted like it was a bother to do things together outside of our monthly trips. In the first half of our relationship, he would only give me one weekend a month and spent the remainder of the time with his mother. In the second half of the relationship, one of my boundaries for getting back together with him was that I would not tolerate this. He just found other ways to take away from our time. I still had to do things by myself on a frequent basis because I was never his first priority. I was in a relationship but frequently felt alone.
The person I'm seeing now lives an hour away and there are challenges with schedules and not having help with my dog. Last night, I took something very personal that I shouldn't have. I got upset and felt rejected. I was terrified that this was the beginning of the discard phase because that is what I've experienced in the past. To his credit, he has treated me well. I feel safe with him when I'm in his presence. An additional fear is that this might turn out to be a really great thing and I'm going to mess it up. In the past, I've been told I'm too much, too intense, too this, too that. Will he come to the same conclusion or will he accept me for who I am? Will he give me the space to be my authentic self while working on the flawed parts of my personality that do need to be adjusted? Or will he tire of me? This fear is magnified by the realization over the past few days that my heart is becoming less guarded. I'm now in a very vulnerable position to get hurt because I'm starting to care about him.
I am very aware that I need to let time tell the story. I need to believe that things will work out just as they are supposed to. I need to be kind to myself because I am going through a lot of healing and inner change as a result of the course I am taking. I have had a lot of life changes in a short amount of time. I need to take my power back and tell my fears to take a hike. If this is going to be a healthy relationship down the road, I need to allow myself to accept that. My heart knows I deserve it but I need my mind to get on board as well. I need to believe in my ability to reach my goal of being 100% financially supported by my business in one year. I need to stop experiencing the imposter syndrome. I have always gotten through adversity in the past and I need to believe that this time will be no different. I need to be able to acknowledge my fears without letting them take over.
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