In my most recent podcast episode Permission to Grieve, I talked about how I was struggling with intense grief over a relationship ending a few weeks before. At that time, it was mid-December so I decided to give myself some grace over the holiday season to allow my grief to remain until the end of the month. As soon as I gave myself permission to honor my feelings for a certain amount of time, I felt like the pressure to heal was removed. I was allowed to feel any emotion I chose. I was okay with not being okay for this period of time.
While I told myself that I didn't have to move on until January rolled around, the baby steps of healing began when I made this decision. Within a few days, I started see some of my outgoing personality coming back. I didn't feel as heavy as before. I still had moments of deep sadness and I didn't stop missing him or thinking about him any less, but I was starting to have moments when I could smile.
I chose to spend Christmas alone so there was no pressure to have holiday cheer. I preferred being alone and relaxing with my dog in quiet contemplation. I also decided to stay home alone on New Years Eve. I am setting some important intentions for personal healing in 2025 and bringing in the New Year in a bar felt out of alignment with those intentions. I was watching a movie and as midnight struck, a scene had begun when a woman asked for a divorce. This brought up some strong emotions. As I said happy new year to my dog, I burst into tears. They were tears of mourning, sadness and the acceptance that it was January and time to move on in earnest. I was truly saying goodbye once and for all to the relationship I left behind in November.
In the morning on New Year's Day, I posted the following on my personal Facebook profile:
"Happy New Year to everyone. I don't believe in new year's resolutions but I do believe in self reflection and authentic change both when a year ends and any time in between. I had declared 2024 to be my year of joy. Anything that didn't bring me joy was removed. I've declared 2025 to be the year that I say yes to me. 2024 brought radical change. I quit my job in April to start a business from scratch. It has been terrifying jumping off that cliff but it's been rewarding as well. I was having sleepless nights already so they may as well be about my future instead of someone elses. There's been a lot of joy but there's also been a lot of loss. I said goodbye to friendships that didn't serve me, goodbye to a regular income so I could pursue my passion and goodbye to relationships. The heartbreak has been the hardest but pain molds us. The most recent heartbreak changed me inside and altered the direction of my business. I've been dating with intention this year which means the relationships have been shorter because I'm seeing the red flags earlier. I want a very specific type of partner and anyone who doesn't fit the standards that I have set and aren't willing to work on themselves to meet those standards have been left behind. Goodbyes are sad but necessary for growth. I've also had to say goodbye to the false narratives that said I wasn't worth being loved in a healthy way. In saying yes, that also means saying no. I have clarity about what I want my life to look like and the type of people I want in it. This means more goodbyes. We become like the five people we spend the most time with. Who do you want to become? If you wouldn't trade your lifestyle for theirs, why are you taking their advice? I am worth it. I am not too much. My lessons are valuable to others. I am valuable and worthy just because I am. I am saying yes to going back home to Colorado this year. I am saying yes to being a successful international speaker and published author. I am saying yes to becoming the person that I seek as a lifetime partner and husband. I am saying yes to being okay being single until that partner shows up. I am saying yes to wealth, joy and peace. What will you say yes to this year?"
Afterwards, I went on a group hike and then treated myself to lunch. When I'm single, I take myself out on a weekly date to try something new whether it's a restaurant, hike or museum. As the hostess walked me to my seat, I could feel the self confidence coming back. I said that I was re-embracing my swagger.
So many times, we tell ourselves that we shouldn't be feeling a certain way. In giving myself permission to feel my true feelings, I opened the door to release them. When the deadline had passed, I felt I could move on. I know I will still have times of sadness and anger as I continue to heal, but the heavy weight has been lifted. I am ready to move on and leave what didn't serve me behind. What feelings are you suppressing that just need some time and space to be heard? Can you give yourself some grace to grieve those feelings? Are you ready to truly heal and release it instead of pushing those feelings under the rug?
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