I am enjoying my course that will give me a masters equivalent in the next year. It has been a challenge to balance my class with my job and still find time for a social life, but I think I am managing it well. I may not spend as much time doing the social activities I enjoy but I still make time for them. I do need to make sacrifices to meet my goals but that doesn't mean I have to give up everything to achieve it. In fact, that is not healthy and counterproductive. The time I take to relax charges my mental battery so I can concentrate on my studies. Essentially, I am creating my own boundaries - ones that I can live with. In a relationship, it is also healthy to have boundaries and designated times to pursue our interests outside of the relationship. It's a red flag when the boundaries become rigid rules and there is no room for compromise and individuality for both partners.
While talking with a friend the other night, I realized just how many rules I was subjected to in my last relationship. Narcissists love control and rules give them power over us. Rules are not healthy boundaries, they are a manipulation tactic to keep us in our place. During the devalue stage, there were many things I was expected to do that went way beyond boundaries which is the term he used to validate his abusive behavior.
There were many times that he demonized me for crossing his "boundaries". Let me give you an example. He claimed that he couldn't sleep if we were touching. I believe he weaponized my natural tendency as a cuddler. The rule he set was that he would hold me for a few minutes then go to his side of the bed and I was not allowed to touch him again until the alarm went off the next morning. I cried myself to sleep many nights because this felt like rejection. It reminded me of the silent treatment I experienced from my mom and my first narc. I thought these were my issues. Now I know better - he knew about the silent treatment and found a way to poke that bear. One morning shortly before the alarm went off, I spontaneously snuggled up to him, showing him affection. He accused me of crossing his boundaries. When I countered that I had left him alone during the night and the sun was already up, he held his ground that I had done something wrong. The rigid rule was that I was forbidden from touching him at all before he decided it was time to get up. There were several times that he would encroach on my side of the bed, but blamed me and said I kept him awake or he would be sure to point out all of the times I scooted over to his side unknowingly while sleeping. This was not love, this was control. Of course, he would deflect his behavior onto me and say that I was controlling.
A second example is that I gave up my music for the relationship. I am a singer and was actively pursuing getting into a band. When I first started dating my ex, he pushed back on this stating he wanted a travel partner. I also love to travel and this was a big draw for this relationship. The problem was that I completely gave up my dreams for his desires. I enjoyed the trips we went on and we did some pretty spectacular things such as a 3-day kayak trip in Marble Canyon on the Colorado River. As I look back, I should have never fit my life into his, we should have blended. On average, we traveled once a month. I could have still done the trips with him and pursued my music on the weekends we were in town.
All healthy relationships include boundaries for both partners, but when these "boundaries" become rigid rules that create a totalitarian environment in the home instead of a partnership, this is when it is abuse. Setting boundaries is an act of love for yourself and your partner. If they become something that makes you feel bad or are too rigid to live with, it's time to have a discussion. If your partner holds their ground and a healthy resolution cannot be created, it's time to evaluate the true nature of the relationship. Even healthy people can be unreasonable at times, but unhealthy people have a pattern of being unreasonable. It's important to know the difference between the two. You owe it to yourself to be in control of your life. If you are in a relationship, their role is to add to your life, not detract from it. Walking on eggshells all the time or making sacrifices too frequently is giving your power away to someone else. A healthy partner will want to share power with you and be willing to compromise and find a resolution both of you feel good about. If what you need is a deal breaker for them or vice versa, it's time to cut your losses and walk away.
Comentários