I recently attended an event which included a family member who I cut ties with. It was the first time I'd been around her in 11 years and since I'd set a no contact boundary in response to her dysfunctional and abusive behavior. I had two big concerns - that my boundary would be crossed and she'd try to interact with me and that she would cause a scene and ruin my daughter's baby shower. I started feeling anxious a couple of days before the event and had stressful dreams as well.
As a truth teller, I've always been the black sheep/scapegoat of the family. It's frustrating to me that no one else acknowledges how hurtful and dysfunctional her behavior is. I feel shunned and victim blamed for speaking the truth. I gave her many chances over the years and regretted it every time. Things would go well for a short time but quickly deteriorate. It would end with a spiteful email or verbal attacks. Some of the situations described in the messages were about things that never even happened. Ten years ago I decided I could no longer ride the roller coaster of emotions and chose to protect my peace. I blocked her in all forms of communication and completely withdrew from her life. I have made a permanent decision to never speak to her again or allow her into my life. My peace is not worth the cost of her drama.
I am in no position to officially diagnose anyone but based on my research and comparison of the behaviors I have witnessed, the closest match is borderline personality disorder. These individuals suffer from abandonment issues so they seek validation from others instead of validating themselves. Other symptoms include explosive anger, unpredictable mood swings, and impulsive behavior. They are highly sensitive to rejection and will go to great lengths to be accepted by others. They often don't have the ability to self regulate or take ownership of the behavior that push people away.
This person needs to accept that I no longer want anything to do with her and that there are consequences for her behavior. She needs to understand that when trust has been ruptured repeatedly, there are no more chances to begin again. I view it as a divorce. Most people don't change and are set in their ways. There are exceptions to the rule but if a toxic ex-partner actually did change, you wouldn't take them back. That ship has sailed. There is no more room for extending trust to them in the future. The risk is too great.
I would have preferred that this person not attend the shower at all, but I will never tell my daughter what to do or who she can and cannot associate with. I cannot control this person's behavior, but I can control my reactions to it. I was not willing to play the game of denial and give the appearance of a happy family just so she could save face. When she tried to hang out where I was, I would quietly leave the area and start a conversation with someone else in a different room. Just like a narcissist, toxic and insecure people feed on negative attention and I was determined not to give it to her while still enforcing my no contact boundary. It pisses me off that she did not respect my boundary.
I find it intrusive that she has tried to get information about me through others. She lost the right to know anything about my life when I cut off the relationship. Each time she hoovers me and tries to re-establish contact, it pushes me further away. Peace often comes with a price - mine has been that I had to cut ties with my favorite niece so that she was not used as a pawn to get information about me. At the event, I finally got a chance to have a conversation with my niece and within a few minutes, this person invaded my space and sat beside us. While I quietly excused myself, inside I was broiling. Instead of giving me privacy to rebuild my connection with my niece, she interfered with it. She exhibited a needy and desperate energy while she was at the shower. In the corner of my eye, I would see her looking over at me with this desperate look like a puppy dog begging to be pet. It was very off putting and only validated my choices.
It infuriates me that others don't see or want to see her toxic behavior. It is deeply hurtful when I am blamed for my reaction to her toxicity instead of her being held accountable for her behavior. I feel invalidated when others expect me to just get over it because she is a blood relative. Both sides of my family are dysfunctional and I have removed myself from several toxic family members. I am angry that most still want to live in fantasy land instead of speaking the truth.
I had another disturbing dream the night after the shower. Several men kept walking into my house by surpassing the lock on my door. I asked someone to call the police but they didn't come and we were left to protect ourselves. I saw the significance of the dream and how my brain was processing my emotions of the day. The locked door signified my boundary of no contact. The men who broke in signified this person and the numerous times she has disrespected my boundaries and her refusal to accept the consequences of her behavior. The vulnerability I felt in having to fend these men off on my own without help from the police signifies the abandonment I feel from others for not seeing things for what they are and their unfair expectation that I accept her abusive behavior.
While my decision comes with a high price, the price of losing my peace was higher. Even though I am ostracized and often not supported in my decision, I will stand by it. Support from others is important but I won't let the lack of support affect my decision. I would like validation from others but when I don't get it, I choose to get it from within myself. I firmly believe that toxic family members do not deserve a pass. They should be held accountable for their behavior. I firmly believe that all people have to earn my trust and loyalty - there are no exceptions for anyone.
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