I had the privilege of sitting down with Becky Nieves, a No BS Cycle Breaker Coach, to dive into a topic that's deeply personal for both of us: going no contact with toxic family members. It's a conversation that touches on generational trauma, boundary-setting, and the difficult yet empowering process of reclaiming your life.
Becky’s journey of cutting ties with her narcissistic parents is a powerful testament to the strength it takes to put your healing first. Her decision, though heart-wrenching, led her down a path of personal growth, clarity, and freedom—something many of us can relate to when we face the decision of distancing ourselves from toxic family dynamics.
As someone who has experienced the pain and guilt of no contact myself, particularly with my sister, I found myself deeply resonating with Becky’s journey. While our stories are different, the emotional struggle and the empowerment that comes from setting boundaries with family is the same. For many of us, no contact isn’t just a decision—it’s a lifeline.
The Weight of Generational Trauma
For Becky, the realization that something was wrong in her family came early. As a child, she felt the difference between her family and others. Her childhood wasn’t filled with sleepovers or trips to friends' homes, and as she grew older, it became clearer that her family dynamics were far from healthy.
Despite her degree in psychology, it wasn’t until she had children that the full scope of the dysfunction became undeniable. Her father, a narcissist, and her mother, an enabler, created a toxic environment that Becky was instinctively drawn to fix. She spent years trying to justify her father’s behavior and was continuously drained by the chaos of her upbringing. As someone who had spent so much of her life people-pleasing and walking on eggshells, Becky’s story mirrors the struggle that many people face when they feel tethered to their family, no matter how unhealthy it is.
Similarly, I have experienced the intense difficulty of going no contact, particularly with my sister. For years, I struggled with our relationship, trying to make it work despite the toxic patterns that kept emerging. I would forgive, only for those wounds to resurface time and again, each time a little deeper. It became clear that the cycle was not only harming me but also hurting those around me. It was time to choose my own peace, and that meant making the painful decision to cut ties.
The Catalyst for Change: A Wake-Up Moment
Becky’s defining moment came when her second child was diagnosed with a rare condition that would affect her lungs. Becky’s protective instinct as a mother kicked in, and she began to enforce strict rules around smoking, knowing the dangers secondhand smoke posed to her daughter. However, this boundary was met with resistance, anger, and hurtful insults from her parents. It was the breaking point for Becky.
“I looked at my daughter’s face and realized I was perpetuating the very toxic cycle that I had been through,” Becky shared. The behavior that had been passed down from her parents was about to be passed down to the next generation, and she knew that for her children’s sake, she had to make a change.
She threw the phone across the room, slammed the door on the toxic cycle, and decided it was time to break free.
For me, the catalyst for going no contact with my sister happened 10 years ago. The specific incident that made me realize the relationship was no longer sustainable occurred when I became aware of a family member who was being abused. I took action to protect this person, contacting Child Protective Services. This decision caused a major fallout with my sister, who took it upon herself to turn other family members against me. The betrayal was profound, and I knew that it was a line I could never cross again. The pain of being ostracized by my sister and others in the family weighed heavily, but I stood firm in my decision that this toxic relationship had reached its breaking point.
Breaking the Cycle: The Power of Boundaries
The decision to go no contact is never an easy one, especially with family. Many women feel guilty about setting boundaries with relatives, believing that family should be exempt from the same standards of behavior that they would hold anyone else to. But I shared a crucial insight that resonates deeply with Becky’s experience: families don’t get passes when it comes to toxic behavior.
“You have to remember that your peace is worth more than the guilt you might feel,” I said. “If their behavior is something you would not tolerate from a friend or a romantic partner, why should you accept it from family?”
Becky echoes this sentiment, stressing the importance of knowing your why when setting boundaries. “You need to be so firm in your conviction that nothing is going to shake you from that path,” Becky advises. Whether it’s deciding to step away from family members who refuse to change or choosing to protect your children, you must be resolute in your decision to prioritize your peace.
For me, going no contact with my sister was not about seeking revenge or punishment and about protecting my peace. It took years of trying to repair our relationship, but ultimately, I realized that the relationship was never going to change unless the toxic patterns did. By letting go of the guilt and embracing my right to peace, I began to see a path forward—one that didn’t involve the constant emotional turmoil that my sister’s behavior caused.
The Emotional Cost: Letting Go of the Dream of a Perfect Family
While going no contact may be the best decision for personal peace and healing, it’s not without emotional cost. For Becky, the decision meant losing her mother, who chose to stay loyal to her husband over supporting her daughter. This loss was even more painful when Becky’s mother was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's shortly after the no-contact decision. Becky’s heart-wrenching choice to stand by her children and set boundaries left her estranged from a mother who had enabled years of toxic behavior. Yet, she stands by her decision.
“If you’ve been through abuse, you know that the hardest part isn’t just cutting ties—it’s acknowledging that you are choosing yourself, even if it means losing family,” Becky says.
But this sacrifice wasn’t in vain. By reclaiming her power and focusing on the needs of her children, Becky was able to break free from the generational patterns of abuse. The pain of the loss was difficult, but Becky’s peace became her guiding force.
For me, the emotional cost of going no contact with my sister has been ongoing. It’s been hard to let go of the dream of a harmonious family, especially when it comes to missing out on a relationship with a niece I adore. But every time I’ve tried to reconnect, the old wounds resurface. Letting go of the fantasy of a perfect family was painful, but it has ultimately been empowering. My peace and mental health are worth more than the trauma of holding on to an unrealistic hope.
Protecting Your Peace: The Journey of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a critical part of healing, but it’s often misunderstood. It’s not about absolving the abuser or excusing their behavior; it's about freeing yourself from the chains of anger and resentment. For Becky, this process was ongoing, and it didn’t come easily. She had to forgive herself for the years spent in toxic patterns, even as she faced the difficult truths about her upbringing.
“I had to forgive myself for allowing things to go on for as long as they did,” Becky admits. “But I also had to forgive the universe for putting me through those experiences. I had to see them as lessons to help me grow and not as obstacles meant to defeat me.”
But forgiveness, Becky points out, isn’t necessarily for the person who hurt you; it’s for your own peace. “You don’t have to forgive someone just because someone else tells you it’s the right thing to do. Forgiving them is about freeing yourself.”
For me, I’ve had to forgive myself for the years of emotional investment I gave to my sister when it was clear the relationship wasn’t healthy. But forgiveness doesn’t mean I’ll forget the hurt. It simply means I’m giving myself permission to move forward without carrying that burden.
Embracing Unapologetic Living
For both Becky and myself, the process of breaking free from toxic family dynamics has been about more than just healing; it’s been about living unapologetically. There is power in stepping into your truth and letting go of the need to be liked or understood by everyone around you.
“I used to be a people-pleaser,” Becky shares. “Now, I own my space, I own my peace, and I walk unapologetically in my truth. The minute I stopped trying to fit into everyone else’s mold was the moment I started to see real transformation.”
When we stop trying to appease others and start prioritizing our own happiness, we can truly begin to heal. Both myself and Becky understand that real change requires owning your story, embracing your worth, and being willing to face difficult emotions head-on.
For me, living unapologetically meant no longer feeling guilty for prioritizing my own well-being. It meant accepting that some relationships, no matter how much you wish them to be different, are simply too toxic to continue. And that’s okay.
Moving Forward: One Step at a Time
It’s important to remember that healing and boundary-setting is not a one-time fix; it’s an ongoing process. There will be days when the old patterns resurface, and emotions like guilt, fear, and doubt can creep back in. But Becky’s journey proves that it’s possible to reclaim your life from the past and create a future full of peace and self-love.
As Becky continues to walk this path, she’s dedicated herself to helping others do the same. Through her coaching, she empowers women to break free from toxic relationships, set unapologetic boundaries, and live life on their own terms.
If you’re facing similar struggles, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Reclaiming your power is a journey worth taking, even when it feels like the hardest thing to do. And just like Becky, you too can find your way to a life filled with peace, clarity, and joy.
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